It was a beautiful August day, when Max and Izzy decided to drive up to Devil’s Lake for the day. It was less than an hour’s drive north, but Max managed to turn it into an adventure.
They were going to take the short cut from Sauk City to the south side of the lake, but when they got to where highway 78 branched from the main route, there was a big detour sign: “Road closed—local traffic only.” But there was a way around the sign, with dusty tracks indicating quite a bit of traffic.
So Max proposed to Izzy. “Why don’t we take this route and see what they’re doing? It’s a lot shorter this way. This sign has been here for months—they’ve probably finished everything but painting the white line down the center." Izzy, true to her cautious style, was pretty dubious, but Max persuaded her.
So they continued past the sign on good road, but without any traffic—for a while. Soon the blacktop ended, and gravel began. There was one of those stripped sawhorse barriers, with another “road closed” sign, but taped over the official message was a sheet of paper with a scrawled message “Let the Adventure Begin!” “Whoo-ee” said Max.
Ahead stretched a great slash of dirt, cutting a beeline through the rolling prairie. The curving old road had been widened and leveled, evidently at a cost of tens of millions. Cubic miles of fertile farmland moved, cutting the hills down to size. “All this so a few old folks can get to their cottages faster?” said Max, considering the logic of modern America. After all, Sauk City is not on the way to anywhere important.
There were a few tense moments when they came to places where you had a choice of driving on the old road or the new one. It wasn’t clear which way was best. Max argued for the new road. Izzy argued that Max owed her a trip to the car wash.
A few other adventurers (with four wheel drive) passed heading the other way. “See, they got through, Max suggested hopefully.” “Or, they came from that farm over there,” Izzy retorted.
After a while of driving at 20 mph on the gravel, Izzy stopped for a bathroom break. She pulled onto a shoulder large enough to park the entire yearly production of Toyota. Max suggested that Izzy go looking for wildflowers, because he needed a little snooze.
Max had always had trouble with sleep. Being hyperactive, he often stayed up late, and the night before, truth be told, he had been up blogging. When he was a professor, that sometimes led to dozing off in committee meetings. The Dean was not amused, especially when it happened in the all-important ANTPAMIC committee, which decided merit pay. Max didn’t see the problem, because he always managed to wake up when they got around to discussing his merit pay.
Now, Max was an expert on finding good places to snooze while traveling. There are several factors which have to be considered. Quiet is one. But being sheltered from the sun is another. You see, once Max had dozed off in the desert, on his back under a tree. While he slept, the sun moved, and soon he was in the sun. The ultraviolet rays penetrated inside his nostrils, where the sun seldom shines, and pretty soon he had a nose bleed, that lasted--off an on--for several days.
Having thought about the nosebleed incident—and Max was a thoughtful person—Max realized it explained a lot. Have you ever wondered why old men have so much nose hair—so much they have to be careful not to step on it? Why—dear reader—it’s to prevent sunburn inside of the nose while they snooze!! Yes, long ago when snoozing was more fashionable, old men with long nose hair were protected, and those with little hair bled to death. The cave ladies recognized the virility and survival value of long nose hair, and so the genes for nose hair inseminated their way into the gene pool.
Max didn’t want to sleep in the car, because it was dusty beside the road with occasional pickups passing, and besides, you can cook like a pop-tart in a parked car. And Max didn’t want to sleep on the grass, because of chiggers and ticks.
Max knew that culvert pipes were good places to sleep. Raccoons know the drill. Pipes are dark, quiet, and cool—though sometimes a bit damp. Suddenly, Max spotted a bright, shiny new culvert pipe, waiting to be implanted in the ground. It whas clean as a whistle! So he crawled in far enough to shade his head and chest, and dozed off.
The view from inside--restful
The next thing he knew, Izzy was taking his picture. “With my own camera!,” Max complained. “Can’t an old guy get some privacy?” “Serves you right for dragging me out on this wild-goose chase. You owe me a car wash!” “Ok, Ok, anything!” Max agreed. “Just let me sleep for another ten minutes.”
Max’s travel-tip: One thing to remember about snoozing in new culvert pipes. Make sure the workers have quit for the day. Otherwise, you might wake up six feet under.
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